I fell in love with the part of you
That you gave to everyone else.
I hate that I’m still in love with you
When I want you all to myself.— Shaya Zamora
I call him Vasuki. The deepest, most pensive part of me.
The part that was obscured until today, buried beneath the coagulated blood of every place you cut me. And oh… what a way you cut me. I bled freely until there was nothing left to bleed.
A version of me that existed before you would have said, I would be destroyed if you ever left me. I don’t believe that anymore. I’ve learned that being broken and being destroyed are not the same thing.
Not that people haven’t tried. You. Penny. May. But being with you taught me the most devastating truth about myself.
Every time love inevitably leaves me, I hurt and bleed in ways I could never have imagined. And every time, I get back up. Worse, I get back up loving even more fiercely. That’s the part I didn’t want to learn.
The part of me that finally came into the light today knows something I wasn’t prepared to learn. I can love harder than I ever thought possible. And I can survive it when that love is gone. It’s a truth I cannot unsee now. How do I hold that truth and still love the way I do?
I knew, when I got back up, that this was the piece I would write.
Until today, I readied the garden. I laid the fence. I prepped the soil. The sun shone brightly. But I waited in the shade. I needed permission. I needed permission from the part of me that loves so deeply. I needed him to tell me he was ready to let go.
You trained for so long to scale this behemoth. I think some part of you always knew you couldn’t do it alone. Because you betray yourself so often, you needed someone to help you stay true.
You looked me in the eye and asked me to hold my breath until you were done. And I did. Each treacherous step. Each near miss. I stood there. Watching. Reassuring. Just being present for you when no one else was. Your own family couldn’t see how much you were hurting or what you needed. They couldn’t shield you from the sun while you climbed.
But you reached the summit. And you basked in the glory of having triumphed. You turned your face towards the sun, stretched out your hands, and reveled in the apricity.
You missed the fact that I was still there. Still below you. Struggling for air.
It had taken every ounce of strength inside me to keep it together for you. And when you didn’t need me anymore, I couldn’t keep the facade up.
So I let go.
The worst part is that you didn’t even see it. You were too busy texting whoever the fuck was on the other end. Scrolling through Reddit, Telegram, or whatever source would give you your next fix of anxiety.
You didn’t see me break right in front of you. I’ve been cut so many times that I learned to smile when I bleed. There was a time when you could see through that smile into the pain.
Today, there is no difference between you and May.
I didn’t see you kick and scream and raise a storm to pull me back up. I didn’t see you fight to keep me there beside you.
Instead came the excuses. One after another. While I stood there, relegated to number five.
Why does everyone else get the privilege of having that part of you? All I ever wanted was for you to love me. The way I love you. To prioritize me the way I prioritize you. To be my partner.
I wanted you all to myself.
And maybe that’s the most devastating thing I’ve learned. That I can love someone completely and still survive their absence. I don’t know what to do with that yet.
I only know that the garden is ready. The sun is out. And for the first time, I don’t think I need anyone’s permission to step into it.
I’m so numb.
I’m so done.
Vasuki writes today – the Ecdysis has begun.
